Genesis 1.1.2

Genesis 1:1-2: in the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

It's prudent to point out the positive before providing constructive criticism; in the first stanza the relationship between character action is sound, inciting moods and tones associated with early childhood conditioning, allowing for greater understanding while reaching a broader audience.

I especially like the use of darkness, fear, evil, shadow, etc; most children are afraid of the dark.

In the beginning is vague; it reveals nothing about God or where God came from, should be omitted or revised, of coarse, describing the origins of creation is a difficult task, may it forever remain a mystery.  Next, unless there's a grammatical error, neither heaven nor earth can be identified as a person or place.  It may seem arbitrary but a person or place is indicated by a capital letter; therefore heaven and earth are things, like a vehicle of some sort, or perhaps a mode of action.

As for the second sentence, it describes the earth being without form, and void, a formless void when you factor in the comma, meaning the earth is totally non-existent, which makes no sense at all; leading me to believe the word or text was mistranslated; cross referencing with Reader's Digest, we see there is definitely a discrepancy.

In Digest the sentence reads: the earth was without form and void, void of a comma, hinting at an invisible substance exhibiting properties, which makes sense, instead of the earth being some sort of non-existent thing.  To be without void (a double negative) means to exhibit properties, to have a cause and effect, perhaps the way emotions affect the body; emotions have no physical properties except for the reactions exhibited by the body, which are repressed.  Think about it.  Where do emotions come from?  Emotions are internal and hard to control?

In the world of science, the word void is associated with the study of black holes; a black hole is formed when a star implodes tearing a hole in the space time continuum, a tremendous pull sucking all matter into its center, alluding to the big bang theory.  In this case, I'm more inclined to believe the earth was an invisible substance, perhaps the premature twin of heaven; if so, the seven days were spent healing the earth, not creating it; for God could easily have created heaven and earth in an instant.  There's also the use of a semicolon; the semicolon is used to distinguish two sentences with similar content; here, it's much more.  It reveals a mood of sadness and fear; Luke 8.31, devils fear the deep; the passage speaks of Jesus and a naked man possessed by devils.  When Christ casts them out, he spares them the horrors of the deep and feeds them to the swine instead.  In Romans 10.7, the deep is the grave.  I'm tempted to provide further insight on the surrounding passages, in due time; basically, it states we need not ascend to heaven nor descend into the deep to find Christ; he is already present in our hearts.  Same word is translated in Revelation as a bottomless pit where Satan lies in solitary confinement; all this points to an unbridle fear.

The last sentence is interesting; based on another grammatical law, it suggests God is a governed body controlled by a single entity called the Spirit, making God plural, for example:  President of the United States.  Spirit can also be associated with that which manifests when more than one person unites under a single cause, like students developing school spirit; there are words in the English Language which are plural yet do not end in (s), for example the word sheep.

Lastly, water in general symbolizes purification, regeneration and strengthens the idea of a premature birth, perhaps the embryonic fluid; in this context the Spirit would represent a healer bringing medicine for the child. All in all, the stanza is strong and needs little revision; might I suggest:

When the Gods gave birth to heaven and earth, the earth was born premature; and sadness fell upon the face of the deep. Then the Spirit brought water to disperse the darkness.